Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
