Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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