Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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