Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
