so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
