My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Rumble strips road head = magical
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
