We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
tell me about the eggs
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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