I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
