The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
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Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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