I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
