I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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