my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
