She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
