I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
