He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I think I sprained my soul last night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
