it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
