I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
