god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
