so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
