I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i already hear my dad disowning me
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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