You just made me feel so damn special
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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