Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
