dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize