Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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