i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
