Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
