when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
