You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
