If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
