smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
