her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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