I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
