Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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