i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
