I swear she didn't look like that last week.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
