Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
