Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
