i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Randomize
