hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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