How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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