My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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