Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
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That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
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The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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