Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
