You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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