Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The Olympian is in my bed
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
