My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i think i have two assholes
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
