My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
