Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
