i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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