Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
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I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
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I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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