The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
