I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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