Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
