when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
