Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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