There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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