I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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