matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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