I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
